Why can’t you see what I see?

The pain of dealing with the affects of prenatal alcohol exposure is ongoing for all involved.  Not always due to the reasons one might expect though.  When you are parenting a child with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder)  there is just so much that you begin to see in your child.  The gifts they have, their struggles and their wonderfully resilient spirits.  The problem is that a lot of time the people around you don’t see those things.  What they see is the behaviors and things that they do not like or that bother them.  When people with FASD know someone is uncomfortable with them or angry at them (and believe me THEY feel other people’s judgement) they will react negatively.  Their behaviors and attitude will be very negative and sometimes just downright upsetting.  Then the judgement starts of both the person with FASD and often their caregivers.  This is so painful to everyone involved.  It limits so much who the caregivers can have relationships with.  The things that are often said are so painful for all involved.

It makes life lonely at times.  I remember the friendships that I had prior to parenting my children.  I miss a lot of them.  They were relationships that were very dear to me and I really needed them (or wanted them I guess).  Now I have a whole new set of friends and a lot of them are people I may never meet.  They are the people who I talk to daily online and on the phone.  They are also people who would never say in front of my children “You are such an angel to adopt these kids!”  or “Why would you take kids like this?”  OR “If you would parent (this way) your kids would not act like that!”

I have always been a pretty passive person and am okay with a lot but I am truly a Mama Bear and do not mess with my cubs!  This is the fastest way to make my red hair flame!!!  I will not put up with someone seeing my child as a “bad” person.  They are not bad at all.  They may do things differently but different is not BAD.  The other thing is that people need to be supportive not judgmental.  Why can’t anyone see what I see?



About fasmom

The adoptive mom to 12 wonderful children who are affected by Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and other issues including Reactive Attachment Disorder, bipolar, schizophrenia, CP, epilepsy and oh the list goes on...The thing is these children have taught me things about myself I never knew and would not have missed out on learning. Married to an amazing man and enjoying life on a sheep ranch.
This entry was posted in Adoption, Childhood Mental Health Issues, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Foster Care, legal system, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Why can’t you see what I see?

  1. Chris Branden says:

    I’ve just recently lost a great friend because I have been accused of making excuses for my daughter’s behavior…blaming everything on FAS! It is what it is and it breaks my heart that my “friend” doesn’t like my child. I am perplexed:(

    • fasmom says:

      Christine you were my inspiration on this post! I know you are struggling right now and it hurts me to know that and I also do understand as I have the BTDT button;-D I have relatives who do not speak to me due to the fact that they do not approve of my parenting. They feel I make excuses for my children and do not treat them the way I should. I know that they may have good intentions but in the end it has been very hurtful to feel so judged. I had a psychologist tell me he could take doodlebug home and in one week have him acting like any other child his age (not a two year old). I told him very calmly that I would meet him back there in a week. He said he could not believe I had said that. I told him wow I can’t believe you said what you did either. He said he thought I was a very sarcastic person and I said well I think you are a giant ass so I guess we both might be wrong. He walked out muttering no wonder her kid is like that. I chose not to cry after this encounter as I do think I was right and he is just a giant ass so why waste the effort but when it is someone I care about it can be much harder!!

  2. Ann says:

    I didn’t adopt my child(ren) because I felt sorry for him. When he(they) came to us we knew he was ours. I can’t picture our family without him (struggles and all). What most people miss is seeing his humor. His beautiful eyes his funny little laugh. And his silliness. They miss all the good. He’s a good little gardener and wonderful with his hands. We are so glad to have him in our family. But others’ judgements can make the road we walk so lonely at time. If you want to see us at a “finest” visit my other blog- http://www.thebfamilybuzz.blogspot.com We do occasionaly have some fun! 🙂 Thanks for sharing!!

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