When I go to heaven will I still be FAS?

Today driving home my daughter asked if her sister was still sick now that she was in heaven?  One of our daughters was so affected she only lived 3 months and 3 weeks.  Ray wanted to know if she was healed now.  We talked about how now she had no pain and she was whole.  She could be happy.  It is close to her birthday and so we are all thinking of her.  Ray looked at me and said “well I know that God can’t heal me I will always be FAS.  But mom, when I go to heaven will I still be FAS?”

I asked why she thought she would be.  She said “because mom once you are FAS you can never be perfect.”  She broke my heart with this because she is perfect.  She is a wonderful, loving little girl who has almost no friends and struggles to have any self esteem.  She is 10 and tiny.  She can talk like she is 18 and so a lot of people insist she is fine and she is just a lazy little girl who ignores her teachers.  I hate that at the end of the day all she feels is no matter what she will never be “perfect”.  I want to make her feel as though she is the precious person she is to me.  Her Dad would die for her and her Grandparents worship her and yet she still doesn’t feel good enough.

It is so hard in a society where we always concentrate on trying to fix everyone.  All IEP meetings are about what the child is not doing.  We forget to look at what they are doing.  What can we build on?  See if we could concentrate on their gifts there is just so much that they can do.  So much they have to offer.  I hope that someday I can help Ray to know that she has so much she can and does do “perfect”.  That I don’t want her to be different.  Now don’t get me wrong if I could stop her feeling different.  If I could make it easier for her I would do it in a heartbeat but she is not “damaged” to me.  She is my daughter.  She is a piece of my heart.  In heaven she will run with her sister and never feel unworthy…I want to let her run for a time here without feeling unworthy too.


About fasmom

The adoptive mom to 12 wonderful children who are affected by Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and other issues including Reactive Attachment Disorder, bipolar, schizophrenia, CP, epilepsy and oh the list goes on...The thing is these children have taught me things about myself I never knew and would not have missed out on learning. Married to an amazing man and enjoying life on a sheep ranch.
This entry was posted in Adoption, Childhood Mental Health Issues, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Foster Care, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to When I go to heaven will I still be FAS?

  1. Hannah says:

    Exactly. Thank you, Lord for these special children you have given us.



  2. Diane Marra says:

    thanks for sharing your heart and your heartached about FAS. I adopted 3 sisters with FAS, PTSD, RAD 5 years ago. They are now 17,15, 13 and they struggle each day with FAS and mostly with RAD. It is so sad as they too want to know why, why can’t they make and have friends, why can’t they understand things, why they can’t process basic information!
    God is good and gave me 3 daughters to love, protect and teach to be the best they can be with what they were given.

    • fasmom says:

      Thank you Diane. I so agree with the fact that God has given us angels to love and protect. They will all be the very best they can and we so get to enjoy watching it! Hope you continue to read and if interested join us on the facebook group Roots to Wings Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder support and advocacy.

  3. Gina Church says:

    This was beautiful to read! My exposed son is almost 1 year old and this is a new frontier to me. We have three, one bio, two adopted, and my youngest is special needs but no diagnosis yet. I get so worried and fearful about what his life will look like, it is so encouraging to me to connect with others who have been there/are there. I’m going to read every one of your posts:) God Bless you and your family!

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